Not really in the blogging mood

well its tuesday......it has been an ok day. Not the most frustrating but not the easiest either. The fence was supposed to be started today but it was held up again.....maybe tomorrow. The day started out like any other.....kids waking up.....lily asking for milk....zaiden screaming for milk lol and mommy wanting her coffee. i woke up with a stuffy nose, sore throat and a sore ear. The day got better though and we went to target to get a few things and then went to ms judys to hang out. Always a pleasure to hang out there because lily keeps busy, zaiden plays on the floor and I get to talk to one of my best friends :D


Zaiden is so goofy lol he has learned that his arms and legs move so he will throw his legs then start making weird panting sounds but he is doing it out of excitement hahahaha. i will have to get it on video cause it is just so cute. I love that he is learning to put his arms up kinda when he wants to be picked up. and I love taht I can put him on my chest and he will snuggle and then look up at me with that toothless little grin and smile away. I love that he loves his sister so much and that she loves him. I love that they love me despite the fact that im still learning. Im not going to be one of the moms that pretends everything is perfect and lies to myself and to everyone saying that I do everything right.....I KNOW I dont.....I know I lose my patience more then I should. I know that I talk loud and it can be taken as yelling. I know that I yell at lily when I get frustrated but the difference between me and "the perfect moms" is I am working on it. I would rather admit that im not perfect and work to improve myself everyday then to sit there and act like everything is perfect when in the long run there is no doubt I will fuck up my kids eventually.....omg did I just say the f word?!?!??! holy shiza I totally did. yeah well this is me..... This is the me that I hide from a lot of people and im done. I am a wonderful person, an amazing friend, a caring sister, a loving wife and mom and im the most perfect person that I can possibly be at this point in time.


Im so sick of pretending to be someone im not to impress people. Of holding back my opinion for fear of hurting someones feelings...I mean granted there is a time and place to state an opinion and there are nice ways of doing things but from here on out im not going to say I like something when i dont, im not going to tell you its ok when its not......im not going to take your shit anymore. is this about ONE person? NOPE! this is about a few people in general and all i have to say is if you dont like me then remove me from your life. If you dont want to be around me then dont....if you dont want to be there for me when I need you then dont wonder why im not there when you need me.


I would hope that if you ask the true close friends I have that they would tell you im a wonderful person. I would hope that they would say they know I would be there anytime day or night for them and that if they needed the shirt off my back or the bra off my boobs i would give it to them....even if that meant my boobs would sag.


I hope that my friends know I will come to them with a problem instead of talking behind their back. I will let them know when im in a bad mood and they usually cheer me up. I will let them know when im hanging on my a thread and i need someone to pull me back to reality.


You know what my friend katie does that for me alot. im not saying my other friends dont...i love all of you believe me I love you with all my heart and you are my family but katie gets me. She always knows what to say even if that means saying nothing. She reminds me that each day is beautiful and I need to remember that everyday and not take my kids or my life for granted. she accepts me for ALL my faults.....she talks to me in my darkest moments and in my happiest times. she lifts me up when I need it and brings me crashing back to reality when i need it to.


Lindsey....oh man lindsey lol. we have been through soooooo much. we have had so many ups and downs but I know that no matter what we will die being friends. She reminds me that having the patience of a saint is possible....she reminds me that although a deployment is hard you can make it through with grace.....she reminds me that no matter what shit storms life throws you that you WILL make it through with the love of friends.


all of my friends that i have made here in menifee or temecula or murietta or wherever....what can I say....i cant say enough. they saved me........they saved me from myself. They gave me a life outside of my house......they also remind me that each day is beautiful and there is so much fun and joy in just sitting back and watching our kids learn and play and lets face it sometimes beat up eachother.


I love the fact that i have friends that I can go months without speaking to and when we pick up that phone its right back to how it used to be. Thats not always the case......but its nice when it is. I have friends that I have lost touch with or dont call as much as i should and for that im sorry. it was never my intention to not have you in my life...if it was my intention you would have known. and if your reading this....im sorry. I hope that we can be close again someday.


I wish i could have these wonderful fuzzy feelings for all of my family and all of the people I have met in my life.....lets face it....in life we are forced to deal with people we dont want to....forced to smile when all we want to do is scream.....forced to hide tears when we want to cry a river and drown in it.....but its the love of friends and family that pull us through.


I promise now to myself that i will no longer hide who i am. I promise now to myself to be the best mom I can be. I promise now to myself to be the best wife I can me. and I promise to be the best friend i can be.......I promise now to deal with situations I dont want to deal with and to do it with grace and dignity. and I promise now to not let what YOU think of me compromise what I think of myself.


sorry this is rambling. Tomorrow will be a happier blog I promise.


and for anyone that thinks I forgot my husband no i didnt forget my husband....he is my other half....he is me with a penis and there arent enough words in the world to describe how much he means to me. just to clear that up lol


jenny out!